So many adventures...or is that too many?

It seems like every time I get the hang of three, I go off and do something new. This last week I took my first trip without Dan. He drove me up to Santa Cruz and then on Sunday, he left me there with his three sons. In all actuality, it wasn't too bad. Everyone up there pitched in and despite us all being under the weather at various times we made it through. I could have been more gracious (when can't I be more of this) and definitely more patient (really, me?) but all in all there was no death. No lost children and no huge melt-downs. I really tried to protect their bedtimes and it helped that Annabelle does the same with Henry.
Now with my first major cold (why are they always more miserable than anything else?) that just won't go away and seems to be moving to my chest. Oh, and did I mention that I managed to share it with all THREE of the boys? I am meeting this new wrinkle too. Sick children at every turn, each rightfully needing my attention.
But, on the bright side. Easter was lovely. It was the first time we've celebrated a holiday with just us. We did end up with the elders for dinner, but it was just us. How wonderful and relaxed it was. There was no rushing, no frustration. This might just become a habit. We were able to happily let the boys get hopped up on jellybeans with no major consequences (ok, except maybe dinner with the Elders, one was more understanding than the other). It seemed we were the only egg hunters in the area, we branched out and once again commandeered the grassy area in front of our home. It was more fun than just finding them in the gate. It is so much fun to watch the boys grow and learn.
I love being at home with them. It is one of my greatest joys and challenges. I am grateful to all of the examples I have before me in being a mother. For good or ill I am learning every day to be better, and I and my boys are so thankful. So here is to a week of meeting my goals. They seem to be so simple these days. Laundry, dishes, clean home. Family Home Evening, Scripture Study, Family Prayer. Dinner in the home every night. Getting outside every day (what could be more basic than that?). And then there are all of the other to do lists. But there will never be enough space for all of that. These are the basics, the things that I want our family to built on. I'll keep trying. I fall short on so many fronts these days. But, with all things I know it will come back around. Like John Petrucci wrote, "We move in circles, balanced all the while on a gleaming razor's edge". I like to think of that as life, moving carefully in and out of easy and hard, but always back to the things that will ultimately make us happy. For me, this is my family. My home is where these four precious men in my life reside. Who could want more than that?

Far from the Ones I Love

So, last week many of my family got together to celebrate Frankie and to bless him. For some, it was the first time meeting him. For others, they had already made the trek to visit with us. Regardless, it was a treasure to have our family joined. And a little sad. I am always saying that we are exiled here in LA. Last week I really felt it. It brought back a line from Fiddler, hence the title of this blog.
It was great to see family from both sides together and laughing. Squishing into our little place. It was wonderful to sit around the table and eat together. I missed dearly those who couldn't make it. Mostly my family. I know that they would have such fun together. There are many days that I miss living near any family. Not just the hard days either, the fun days when I know that I would end up at the park with one of my sister's and her children goofing off.
And if I was having one of those days too, I know that I could just collect my children and go visit with a sister and just be together. Perhaps someday. It makes me sad to know that I will forever be divided (unless some act of God destroys the four states separating California from Oklahoma, granted not wishing that on anyone or anywhere, ok maybe the stretch between Albuquerque and Tucumcari on the 40 that has eaten at least three of our cars). It doesn't matter where we move, we will never have all of our family together. And with that, I will forever be Far from the Ones I Love. Thanks for making the heroic effort to be with us. It was truly a beautiful weekend. All my Love.

Casualties of Failing to Compromise

It is a tough lesson. One that might be harder for some mothers, at least for me. I am so used to be able to do everything and do it right (for the most part). But, tonight Gianni reminded me why I need to step back and do just a little less. While I was going above and beyond for dinner tonight Gianni took a dive into the piano. When I heard the crunch, I knew that it couldn't be good and I immediately went into the living room with my dirty hands to investigate. Things didn't improve from there when I saw Gianni with his hands in front of his mouth dripping blood. As always, the phone was ringing and Dan wasn't home.

To make a long story short (too late, and if you get that one thank Tim Curry and a great movie called Clue) Gianni has damaged at least three of his teeth and completely out them through his upper lip. We contacted the dentist tonight, who told us that there wasn't much to be done to repair them and to call the office if there are more problems tomorrow. I will be calling in the morning to have them looked at, as two of the teeth aren't lined up properly any longer and I don't want to have any more damage done to my beautiful son's mouth.

Ugh. This is where I need to start letting go. I remember that I felt this way when Vinny broke his leg when Gianni was young. If I try to do too much, it isn't just me that will suffer. My children suffer too when I am this distracted. I have spent the last week feeling ditzy. I can't keep my head on straight. I seem to need to write everything down before I say it. Multi-tasking isn't working for me at all these days. Perhaps this is my reminder, the damage to my poor son's mouth, that I need to stop and smell the dandelions (a book on my mother's shelf all my life, but that is for another post). I need to slow down. I need to take a breath and I need to do less. I just wish I could learn this without my children being injured in the process.

Life is Chaotic...& Beautiful

I don't even know if anyone else is reading this, but for my own heart's desire and the ability to remember what the early days of three looks like. Here goes.

As my last child, time with him as an infant is going way to fast. I am floored that he is already eight weeks old. In this short time he looks entirely different, he is more full, the cute little baby folds have taken over his once lean (and dare I say chicken legish body). He truly didn't have nearly enough fat on him when he was born, the leanest of my children and I am grateful to see him add on this weight and ensure that he is healthy and that he is eating sufficiently.

Everything seems to come bittersweet these days. Frankie won't be put down but twice a day for naps. Sweet, I love to hold him and it forces me to take the time to notice the moment. Bitter as I can't get anything done and I sit still and watch the house, my life, anything for myself spin further from my grasp. It is getting better but again with that sweet and bitter note of watching Frankie mature and grow.

And Gianni, I fear that he is getting lost in the center. He doesn't have the strong go get 'em nature that Vinny has, the notice me NOW personality. Sometimes (and late at night quite literally) I think that he is being squished and absorbed into invisibility. And when it hits critical mass, then the screaming of "Mommy, Hold ME!" occurs and he screams (oh so loudly) his need to be held. And unfortunately, frequently while I can't hold him, when I am in the midst of an unstoppable event or feeding Frankie. But the sweet moments when he curls in my lap and once again he is my little baby. He is growing so fast and will I be able to notice it? I don't want him to be lost, or worse yet to feel inconsequential. Oh, the balancing act just got so much harder.

And while we're going through my children, Vinny. He is growing and spinning away from me so fast. It is sweet to watch him play with his Dad and waiting for his Dad to come home. And those sweet moments when he is telling me a story (one of his favorite things to do). I love his way of getting his needs met, while it sometimes overrides his siblings (oh, I need to pay attention to that).

And me, I feel like my brain is leaking all of its beautiful talent of balancing the world. I don't know how working mothers do it. I can't keep it straight. And I fear that I won't be able to teach again. I so loved teaching but I waited so long for these boys, I don't want to miss a second.

So to Ecclesiastes, to each thing there is a season. And this is mine, short and bittersweet. I look forward and dread the day that I can work out this balancing act of mine. I only hope that I find it with some grace. And not too soon. I rather like this feeling of all my beautiful boys around me. Even if a little of me is lost in the rush. I fear that I will find it too soon when they wander off to school and points beyond.